VaVoom VaVoom
by Captainraychill
Summary: Neville's magical corduroy pants and their quest for vengeance against Draco Malfoy


**Author's Note: I am posting the following without a single change from when it was written while drunk for the Firewhiskey Fic Drunk Writing Night in November 2011. I repeat, my sister and I wrote this while drunk (SMASHED) on tequila shots, pina coladas and Chocovine (chocolate wine). I highly recommend this experience. This story won "Funniest" and "Best Use of Prompt". Please accept typos and silliness as they are a part of the fun.**

**Title: **VA-VOOM VA-VOOM

**Author: **Captainraychill

**I am of legal drinking age in my region: **yes

**Pairing(s)/Characters: **Neville/The Courdo-Dragon

**Challenge: **Autumn/Fall

**Summary: (can be very brief/basic) **Neville's magic pants

**Rating/Warnings: **We forgot to use the word cuntflower so PG-13?

**Word count: **1161

**Author's Notes: (if any) **Assisted by my sister, the drunken acolyte of the church of faulty fashion – we are calling her Nique Ting. She made many wonderful contribution.

It's always hard to start so let's just do it. Neveille got courdoroy pants from his Grandma for his birthday, which we are making in the fall of the year. Neville LOVED courdoroy pants. He like the fall and when the leaves changed – and the coolness in the air. It made him happy. (Wait, we are going to turn off auto correct now…) We don't know how to do that… I like – my sister just called me a down syndrome baby! That's very tacky… I shouldn't write that but the truth is the truth.

BAck to Neville's pants. He liked the way they swished when he walked. VOOM-VOOM. VOOM-VOOM. Sometimes, in class, he would run his fingernail over his leg to elicit the noise that he loved so much, and pretend he was an American DJ scratchin reocrds. SCRATCH-SCRATCH. VOOM-COOM. He's a player.

What Neville didn't know – DUDUD DUMMMM! is that these were MAGIC pants. Why he didn't that there would be magical pants at Hogwarts, we don't know – but there you go.

They're in Herbology – he likes Herbology and he's pulling pods out of some plant that's slimy and then the Slytherins come get him. Draco was among them. And for some reason, none of Neville's friends were.

"Hey bithch," says Draco. "Sit on this!" He then orders Crabbe and Goyle to give Neville the Atomic Wedgie. Which really hurt and they left him cyring on the floor. Neville never knew that baby mandrakes could laugh so hard. The Slytherins kicked him and then left htere. (Wr'ee brilliant.) Okay, they left him there.

Neville's magical pants weren't happy about this. They stored their rage and their wish for vegneange (yeah!) deep in their groves. Which my sister says are really called wales. Cool she knows that. Neville stood up, very upset, and ran into the Forbidden Forest to be alone. VA-VOOM. VA-VOOM. (This is foreshadowing.) Into the forest – a la Snow White. VA-VOOM. VA-VOOM. VA-VOOM. VA-VOOM. VA-VOOM. VA-VOOM. (Sister is telling my about this new movie called Snow Whtie and the Huntsman where Thor plays the Huntsman – holy hell, yes, who needs a prince.) Thor is hot, and Nveille's still running.

Soon, he is lost in the woods beacuse he's Neville – with only the sound of his pants and a wolf or two howling in the distance. Night has fallen and it is cold.

The magical pants spur him forward on a never=ending quest to seek vegeance agiainst his wrongdoers. Damn thosesnake bitches.

He reaches a clearing, looks toward the milkly heavens (whoo sexy!) his arms spread and yells... , okay this is har to thing of the epic line yelled into the milky heavesns but – "For God, Merlin, Heaven and Godric Gyrffindor – please smite down Draco Malfoy and his scum patrol! Forbidden Forest, thrash with your acorns of destruction so we may be free of their tyranny for all HOgwarts kind!" He took a few steps –VA VOOM VA VOOM – and then fell to his knees and all was silent until...

He heard, in the distance, a very soft va-voom va-voom. Growing louder (gthis is suspence – hello?). Va-voom. Va-voom. then even louder –VA-VOOM. VA-VOOM. VA-VOOM. Neville looks up and burped. (He'd had a soda at dinner.) VA-VOOM. VA-VOOM. VA-VOOM. Neville squeaked a little, he was nervous. But, his brave Gryfiindor soul spurred him to look up and see what was approaching in the air.

It was... a rare and dangerous Courdo-Dragon! It was green and its wings had little groves in it and it was fearsome and landed in front of Neville and roared fire into the air! Gyffindor or not, he wet his pants. But his magical pants fixed it for him with no issue and a quick drying spell. Go magic pants!

Nveille somehow understood that he could speak to the dragon and it would understand because it was claled by his venegance and his pants. And the way he could speak to the dragon was through an intricate usage of motion to influence the noises created by his cords. So Neville rubbed his legs together and you know what happens after htat. Neville wood in the woods. (I jsut called mu sister the stupid.)

The dragon nodded its head. They were in acCORDance. Hee hee.

Neville wiggled his ass and did a pirouette and (She who controls the cheezits, controls the universe!) the dragon snarled. It understood, his order to KILL Draco and his Scum Patrol.

But then, the dragon flapped its wings – VA VOOM. And asked for tribute from Nveille before he would do hinm this favor. Do him – haha! My sister is Beavis or Butthead. Neville thought it was fine to let the dragon have his way with him – in order to get rid of those bithches. VA=VOOMMMMMM. VAVA VOOM!

(Please submit entries – we are tkaing submissions – for Neville/Courdo Dragon Smut. Be creatgive. Win prizes! Not really. Teh best entry wins our esteem – like that matters. So imagine smut here because it's weird to think of boy/dragon sex with your sister int he room. Babies come from toucans.)

Quite satisfied by Neville's suprisingly agile and filthy performance, the dragon flew toward Hogwarts and right into the Black Lake and smashed into the underwater window into the Slytherin common room where Draco was sitting on a leather couch with Pansy Parkinson touching his hair... wahtever. The dragon fried Pansy with a targeted fire breath (wait, Sister said piss is acid – that's better – anyway Pansy's toast). Crabbe and Goyle are huggin in the corner, cyring because they lost their kitten (and are scared of dragons.) And it grabs Draco by the ankle and then hauls him out of the broken window, through the murky black lake passing some confused mermaids and then into the air. Draco is screaming the whole time like a little German girl.

The dragon flies over the rooftops of Hogwarts – VA VOOM VA VOOM (Chocowine f'in rocks my socks!) Draco is hitting the roof and breaking arms. And then the dragon flies toward the Quidditch pitch. With effortless ease, Draco becomes one point for Gryffindor, bitches, and then falls like a rag doll and bounces like a SUPER ball onto the ground. BA-BOOM BA-BOOM! And he's dead. Like the dead kind ofdead.. Narcissa will be sad.

AFter racing quickly back toward the castle, Neville emerges fromt eh Forbidden Forest, just in tiem to see the BA BOOM of Draco. He chuckles at the sight of scarlet red blood and gray matter tinting the ever-perfect silver-white of Draco's hair. Biz-natch deserved it. The dragon flew back to Neville. They talked with their wings and their pants – and decided it was time to take it to the pumpkin patch. You all know what that means. (Insert Marvin Gaye – Let's Get It On) We don't know who sings Sexual Healing...

As the autumn leaves shuffled through the nighttime air, the romantic pairing of VA-VOOMs VA-VOOMs wafted throught the chilly air.

Autumn is courdaroylicious.

THE END.


End file.
